When I think about writing, I think about my father and I want to ask him, how did he speak with such authority? Did he know he was wise? I read a few pages of one of his journals after his death and stopped myself because they made him too human. He had all the same hesitations and fears and doubts that we all have.
My curiosity lies in how do we overcome this?
Is it like the process of internal family systems where I greet this part of myself – the one who is fearful, doubting, overly critical, judgmental, afraid of being seen – and ask her what she wants, what does she need to feel safe?
It’s hard when I’ve grown up in a world where we think everything must have a purpose, it must be productive. And yet here I am in my 40’s having lost the ability to play, to imagine, to fuck around and find out. How do I get back there, how do I let it be messy and imperfect?
I’m working on reshaping the way I do life. I want less screens, less noise, less overstimulation. Yet at the same time I want to build an online business and that requires showing up frequently in the online space. It’s a battle I am constantly fighting.
As an OBM (Online Business Manager) and Integrator, and part of the fulfillment team for other online business, my work is hectic. The task list is never ending. And some of what I do feels quite high pressure.
With the busyness of these jobs, I need to be extra intentional with my time and energy outside of them. I need to build space for my creativity to flourish. This past year felt like my brain was at max capacity and I had nothing left to give. I kept trying to have ideas and thoughts – but it was maxed out. You know how they say that for a CEO to make more money – they need to do less. This is what they are referring to.
You must clear the low stakes busy work off your plate – either by delegating, hiring, or outsourcing in some capacity. This makes room for the high level strategy thinking that a CEO brings to the table and leads from. This is where the magic happens. Not in the execution – anyone can execute. Few can ideate and problem solve at the speed and with the discernment of a CEO.
The irony is that I am the task person for other people – I am the person they give all their backend tasks to. I keep track of everything and get it all done.
And then I wonder where there is space for my thoughts?
So here we are making space for thinking.
I started my day with a very brief glance at my social media – just to ensure there were no communications sent to me during the night.
And now I am in my breakfast nook, with a cup of coffee, a glorious smelling Palo Santo, marshmallow, and burnt sugar candle burning, and the sun rising to the east touching the tops of the houses.
I am here to write.
Not journal.
I aim to build a writing practice. I don’t know yet how I plan to share this, in what way.
But I keep looking at my life and wanting more. And I think one path forward is through my words.